Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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