meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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