By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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