I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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