I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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