i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
