yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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