I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
