Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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