He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
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If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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