you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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