I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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