I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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