how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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