party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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