his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
