Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
no, he came in my armpit
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
