the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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