I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
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I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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