it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
