I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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