Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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