I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
