A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
