Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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