I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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