exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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