I'm really into asian looking animals
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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