I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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