I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
