I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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