Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
