i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
