I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
