all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
