I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
