If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
