Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
