It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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