When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
