so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Vodka?
Forever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
