She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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