Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
