at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
