hell yes lets make some ravioli
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
