If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
