The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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