i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
