Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
