Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
