I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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