My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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