I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
