I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
