he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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