The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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