Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
