Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
