If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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