Where are you?
In a non slutty way
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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