yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize