I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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